I thought I was untouchable…

I’d done tonnes of internal work,

I had sound rituals in place,

I was living my #bestlife, meaning I was owning my own shit living through an expression of joy.

It was Long Distance Nationals, Napier, I got the call from the lawyer.

“Can you be here Monday to testify? It doesn’t look good, and I want you to be prepared for what might happen….”

I said yes, I’ll leave after my races.

We were loading out, I was steering that day. As my crew hopped into their seats tears began to trickle down my face. I feel the emotion stir in me now as I remember. I zoned in, and paddled for my dad.

I decided to race back to back in the OC1 and V1 races too. In hindsight, I needed a release. I made the podium, and our W6 crew came out with a pretty convincing win and took home the Gold. Forever grateful for those wahine to this day.

Sunday my dad and I went and had Thai for dinner. We ate and talked like normal. I had no idea that would be our last meal together.

My rock, the main man in my life, was gone… I chose to stay strong, stick to what I knew, but as the days went by slowly all I knew unravelled and no longer made sense.

As with most marriages, mine had its ups and downs, but ours was already in a difficult place before this happened.  So in the moments I felt I needed someone most, I felt my most alone.  This triggered childhood memories of feeling abandoned and the old craving for intimacy came back stronger than ever.  Looking back now, I was healing, again.

My pursuit for happiness clouded my judgement, and I made poor decisions, but all experiences or situations I ended up in I now see have helped me one way or another to uncover some truths about myself.

During this time I pulled away from paddling, my happy place, the one place I feel most at home and accepted. I had created a story of judgement by others in this space, and pushed people away. I tried to show up best I could but I wasn’t all in.  I felt like an imposter.  And it’s because I was. 

The night I moved into my own apartment I remember sitting in the corner on the floor (my furniture hadn’t turned up yet), I was holding myself, crying and thinking wtf “why am I crying, I should be happy”.  Simple truth was that I had never lived on my own before. I’ve always kept people at arms length, a protection I had picked up from childhood.  Feeling like I couldn’t trust anyone, or really talk and share openly was normal, it was a heavy weight I had placed on myself.  It was a whole new experience and it took the idea of being comfortable in my own space to a level I had never experienced.

A couple years on, I was in a pursuit of happiness. Searching for purpose (which I’d lost), trying to fill my kete and remember who I am.  It took me home. To the Coast.  Back to my roots, which have always called for me from the otherside.  That which I had run away from in my childhood was the very thing I needed in my healing.  The Coast is funny like that. 

I tried to keep busy, threw myself into my work (which I take too seriously), and filled my time with study to keep busy, knowing too well I was using it all as a distraction.  I ended up in a space where I felt like I was living life according to someone else again, challenge after challenge showing up. Some days I’d find I would regress and feel so much anger and want to throw in the towel. But I knew better, I knew I had evolved from that kind of thinking a long time ago.  These triggers were showing me a path and a choice.  A few years ago I had developed a vision for myself and my family, and began manifesting that. 

For that to happen, change was needed.  And looking back now I see all these challenges have been pushing me toward that change. What drives me is this burning fire within for our people to be their best, and I know for that to happen I need to show up as my best too.  But being your best is challenging and confronting asf.  Often we need to visit things we don’t want to, do things we don’t want to.  And underlying that is my commitment to my babies.  I want to role model to them what they are worthy of and not to settle for anything less.  I love my whanau fiercely, and will always protect my babies and their Papa.  Nothing but aroha there.  

I liken it to the Bhutty Champions Cup race from Maketu to Waikorire.  The anticipation in the lead up to this race is off the charts. The race start at Maketu has a sandbar, and when the surf is up it’s pumping.  So you will either get smashed or not and the majority of energy is spent fretting over that.

Thing is, you face it, you tough it out, get thrown around a bit, might lose some gear but then you are through. The rest of the race is the 3 hrs or thereabouts of mind games in your head to get to the end. When you finally do come in, you give yourself a massive pat on the back say “fuck yes I did that” then colapse in a heap on the beach (depending on your fitness).  And you know you will do it again.  I ask myself why we only reserve that kind of resilience for paddling or sports? Why not in our day to day life? Surely it would make things a whole lot better in the long run?

Anyway I digress, I’m writing this because I thought I was untouchable, I started believing my own hype and my ego kept me cornered. I sit here now, no more tears, no more sitting in the past maemae because I am here, now, that has been.  I can now say I am finally in a place where I am immersing myself in the process, because that’s where the growth and freedom is, that’s what determines the quality of the end result, not the result itself.

Grateful for those who have stuck by my side… This is not healing, it’s growth. Painfully liberating.

I’m choosing to show up again, for me, sharing my truth and keeping myself accountable and if it sparks thoughts of awareness for anyone else that’s just blardy awesome.

Love ya,

H x