Who Am I kidding?


It’s D. Day! The big milestone I have been focussed on through out my entire pregnancy came and went! It helped me to focus but also drove me a bit nuts. I maintained a pretty healthy lifestyle throughout, active and eating. But to be honest the closer I got to the birth of my baby and the event itself I went a little crazy.

Pregnancy is the biggest, hardest life event a woman will ever have to go through. There is the nausea, tiredness, weight gain, and vomiting to name a few. Putting that in perspective this is how a day looks.  You wake up, go to the toilet, if you lucky you just wee and no vomit.  Right, achieved that, now back to bed.  The only thing you may manage to eat and keep down is a dry biscuit!  Even water has the impact of bringing on a spew! This is just the pregnancy. The actual labor itself and the afterbirth, well don’t get me started.!!

Day after day for about three months this goes on.  Like groundhog day. Once that has passed and you can finally chow down on something the weight starts piling on. It really is difficult to get up and active when your feet hurt, you just want to sleep, you feel a little depressed because you have been lying in bed for the last couple of months and just can’t do anything.

This was ‘me’ for the first 3 months of all my pregnancies.  However, by the second trimester things started looking up. I started to feel a little better so I made myself get up and active.  I found in my last pregnancy that the more I exercised the better I felt.  Less tired, less cranky, and I didn’t eat the whole house out!

But, the hormones! OMG, no one prepares you for the roller coaster ride of hormones. Sounds cheesy but it is so true. There are moments, days where everything is sweet and then all of a sudden you burst out crying or angry. No matter how hard you try to work out why, you can’t.  In the end I gave in to them and just acknowledged what was going on.  The best thing I could do was exercise.  It was the only way out for me.  Thankfully I was able to maintain my training right up to the birth of my baby girl. It was the post birth that I did not quite think through.

So many people calling me crazy behind my back because I was training so hard through pregnancy and then there was the fact I wanted to enter the Regional waka ama (outrigger) sprints after birth (five weeks after).

I learned so many things about myself during this pregnancy. I am 37 years old having my fourth child. The beauty of it is that I am more mature now and don’t really care  what other people think. I love that about being in my 30s, pushing 40!

The night before the big day I couldn’t sleep.  And not just because of baby.  She did happen to have a bad night that night feeding wise. But it was me.  I almost flew off the handle at the kids and my hubby that evening, just cos. I recognised it was a part of the sabotage talk I had going on in my head.  Can I do it?  Am I being stupid. Maybe everyone is right? I’ll look like a fool. Then I remembered this is about me.  What do I feel? What do I think? Time to be selfish! I went to bed with the vision of completing my races and fell asleep.

Its race day and even an hour before my race I was thinking stupid things again. I thought to myself, it’s ok, you just had a baby, just go out there and paddle, but don’t go hard. Everyone is expecting you to fail miserably. I almost gave up.

I got out there in my first heat and all my training went out the window.  So much for trusting in the process! It was so windy, and there were so many excuses I could have come up with but I didn’t. Second heat and I am still out wide in the far lane with the wind.  Same thing, choked.  I didn’t come last but I didn’t paddle like I do in training.  I had let all that negative self talk get to me.

My final race came and I thought stuff it. I have no chance so just get out there and go nuts.  I was in a crap lane again with the wind but this time I was more focussed. I paddled a bit harder and ended up doing pretty good in that race.  The difference was that I was relaxed!  There are so many other factors that can stop you in your tracks but I chose to ignore them and focus on the task at hand.  Glide in my boat.  Once I did that I did way better!

My lessons through all this.  Accept the ups and the downs.  If we are always up, life would be boring. Its those little upsets that make the good things that much better.

Learn from the downs.  What are they showing you? Is there a pattern? There definitely is for me. It’s the negative self talk stuff, sabotaging myself. I have the ‘choice’ at the end of the day as to how I let things impact on me. I recently read this great article from Mark Manson and it really resonated with me. He spoke about truths and lies. That there really is no one answer. At the end of the day everything is just ‘data’ and it is debatable.  We have the choice to believe it or not. It comes down to how useful it is to us.

There are times when I feel like I am under so much pressure. I run my own business, I have a ‘day’ job and I am a mama to my beautiful little kids. I am also trying to train like and elite athlete and make time for whanau. I have to tell you it’s not easy. My house is usually a mess. I have mama brain and most of what I do could probably be done better if I had more time. But it is what it is. I have come to realise that I started to believe people see me in a certain way. And I have been trying to play to that part. It’s me putting myself under that pressure, no one else. Who cares! I do what I do because I like it. And it’s ok to have down days or mess up sometimes.  I’m not perfect, I am me. Saying that to myself was great. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

In reflection of the racing at the weekend, I should have taken more time to celebrate my achievement. I ended up shrugging it off and not really acknowledging what I did. So today I am going to celebrate the fact that I trained through my whole pregnancy and managed to compete in the regionals just 5 weeks after the birth of my baby yeow!!!!  You see, I had a few people say well done on my effort, but as usual I dismissed it. I’m thankful but because of my high expectations and craziness I brushed it off.  But you know what, it is awesome. I am thankful to everyone who has supported me to date, especially my hubby for putting up with my crazy moods, my training buddy for letting me tag along to training, my kids for putting up with my crazy and lastly to our babysitter for always being there! Feeling very grateful.

My writing is more of a journal then anything else at the moment. I just blurt out whatever jumps into my head at the time.  No editing… So as always thank you for listening.


H 🙂

#imagine #believe #achieve