For years I would look at other people who looked like they had it all with envy. I wanted to feel like how they looked, happy, content, excited to greet each day.
My reality was so far removed from that though.
On the outside it all looked pretty awesome. I even had a friend say, “yeah she has a cute house, cute dog, cute husband and cute kids, she’s got it all”.
It definitely did not feel like that on the inside.
At home, all I could see was days on end of clouds, or like a really humid day when you see that haze across the horizon, there was no clarity or feeling, just a numbness and an ever deepening hole of sadness. This might sound weird but I liken it to a horse wearing blinkers, your view narrows, and narrows and so does your hearing. Almost to the point where you totally distort what is being said.
I don’t know at what point in my life it started for sure, but what I do know is it got worse and worse. I finally came to a point where I had to do something because deep down I just felt there was more. Even though I had that negative mind chatter telling me otherwise I couldn’t help but recognise that feeling in the pit of my stomach that something wasn’t right.
I became aware of the two voices in my head and the power of them. I watched them both and began to learn what they fed off. It came to a point where I needed to make a decision, because I realised I had a choice and I chose to step out of that space.
It finally dawned on me that I was holding myself back with all the negative talk about being worthy enough, guilt from years of mood swings and lashing out, poor decisions I had made in the past playing over and over in my head and keeping me there. My rut was caused by me, no one else. I had to stop blaming everyone else for my situation. It’s true when they say what you focus on is what you create. I was focussed on drama form my past and kept creating it, over and over. Initially that made me angry, but then I chose to move forward and it soon became my power to thrive, not to heal but to thrive.
In my journey I had to let go of some friends and family. I had to surround myself with truly authentic people who focus on love and positivity. Don’t worry, not hippies or anything, just straight up honest down to earth normal people. You see, to be in touch with your inner self you don’t have to be anything but yourself. It was the mirroring of others that got me in this situation to start with. Initially I thought some of these friends had ditched me but I realised it was me who was pushing them away because of the stories I was telling myself.
I now navigate my way through life from my whole wellbeing, making sure everything I do impacts on my physical, spiritual, mental/emotional, and social connectedness in some way. When I operate from this space my life is so much easier, decisions are easy to make and I don’t have the drama around me that I used to because I am clear on where I am, not just where I am headed but right here right now.
What I learned really quickly was spending too much time in the past (most of us do) or trying hard to control the future, we end up in that vicious cycle of drama. The only thing you can change is right now right here and there very rarely is any problems right now in this moment is there. Can you see the power in knowing this? It is key in realising we create the drama ourselves. And yes, we get put into some situations that are out of our control, but you still get to choose how you react to it. This is what the fight or flight mechanism was created for, to give yourself the space to make the best decision for your survival and to do that you need to be present.
Coming off my end of wave in the Hyundai Pro Longboard Tour
It takes me back to a day when I was out surfing some really big swell that had come through on the back of a storm. I got a few nice waves and then my last one (its always the last one), I got smashed. I tumbled and pushed down by this wave and totally lost my orientation. I didn’t know which way was up and it was dark. I panicked for a second and went to swim, took three strokes and still did not surface. That’s when it happened, I gave in, surrendered to what was happening. I was resisting what was happening and my panic got in the way of me being able to make a good decision. As soon as I relaxed, my body floated up to the surface and there I was. I grabbed my board and caught the next whitewash back into the beach.
That is a valuable lesson I will forever hold onto because it taught me the importance of being here right now. My mind was in a space of panic because all I could think about was what was going to happen to me rather than what was happening. Can you see the difference? What was going to happen hadn’t played out and was taking all of my focus so as soon as I surrendered to what ‘is’ it gave me the space to make that decisions to relax.
I refuse to accept that depression is an illness. That is what kept me in that space for so long. And if you were to diagnose me I would say it would have been pretty severe, especially with all the suicide attempts. What I know now for sure is that this experience has been a gift, an opportunity for me to reset because I had come away from my centre, and now I am whole again and stronger than ever.
I am on a mission to change how people look at depression. It’s not an illness that can be easily medicated, the evidence is right in front of us all in the fact there is none. Please share with anyone you think needs to hear this.
To do this I have set up my business as a mindset trainer for women, although men follow my page too. This is what gets me excited to get out of bed in the mornings and do what I do. If you haven’t already please go and LIKE my Facebook page.
If you need some help getting out of your rut flick me an email or PM me on my Facebook page. I offer a complimentary strategy sessions to help you gain some clarity and to see if we are the right fit for each other. Because I only work with women who are 100% committed to taking back control of their own lives.