Dark holes, shadows and butterflies… My year in review.

I thought I would jump on the band wagon and do a review of my year and wow!

Flicking through all the pics in my Facebook feed has been amazing.

It’s an instant measure of the tides of life for sure and how I have handled them.

Right now in this moment I am so grateful for all of them.  Because if I hadn’t of had those trials I would not be where I am today.

It’s funny, you hear people who are successful talk about that often but you just don’t get it till it happens to you.

And this is the biggest lesson I have learned to date.  Is to stop trying to please EVERYONE, and focus on my tribe, my collective of awesomeness.

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A year ago I was in such a dark place, one where I struggle to see the light. And couldn’t be bothered to see it.  I felt so stretched, so thin that i had no more to give and I would lie in bed, till later arvo.

I knew it was bad when I was in that space.  Emotionless, I felt invisible.

I couldn’t eat, didn’t want to eat. I struggled to feel anything for my kids, my husband, my friends and totally shut the outdoors out.

There wasn’t much thought, just darkness. A heavy haze, over my heart and fogginess in my mind.

I would flip out at the smallest things. Still trying to maintain my lifestyle outside of home, and then retreat indoors back to my hole.

I would feel guilt, for my babies because of how I would react, or too tired to play and not be interested in anything.  And then guilt for my husband for putting up with me.

I would often wish I would go to sleep and not wake in the morning, feeling it would be better for everyone.  And there had been moments where I acted on that too.

Thankfully, with the love of my husband and kids I was able to pull through.

But not before I pulled myself out of the hole. I always felt deep down inside, and heard a voice actually (because there are two voices) that told me only I could do this.  Not to rely on anyone else. It had to be me. It’s the only way.

I was at the point where I was sos tired of being tired, feeling crazy and feeling like there was so much more that I made the CHOICE.

I woke up, and started to work on my strengths.  I got out all the evidence i had around me of things that helped me feel better and worked on them.

I started paying attention to me (because for years I had not been). I started to take care of myself better, my total well-being.

I enlisted the help of a business coach, an intuitive one and that helped me personally as well.  Because lets face it, being in business is just the best type of personal development course there is.

I started to surround self with positive people, authentic people.

And I started to journal, not like when in school with the Dear Diary styles but focussed, business writing.  By golly gosh has it helped.

Everything I write and post is my truth. I write it for me.  But i have come to know that if i need it, then others probably do too.

Within only a few months I started to notice the difference and felt like I had never felt.  so much happiness and I got my passion back for mu business and life.

Then it happened, I tore my achilies tendon four days out from one of the biggest paddle events I had been training for and was in the running for doing really well at.

I can hear you now, thinking, OMG you poor thing.  And that’s exactly how the majority reacted.  Except for one close friend of mine, and my husband.

They stuck by me, and believed in me.  Because they know what I am capable of, and stubborn.

I decided to paddle, and damn did it freak some people out! The weather was crazy with a 2 metre swell running.  I tell you, I had never felt so strong and focused in my life.  I got out there and just paddled as best I could, passing paddlers, and even guys whose eyes looked as big as saucers from the swell running.

I managed to pull in a third place and made the podium with a Bronze medal!

Since then my life has really taken off!

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I have been working on my recovery and my injury gave me the space to work on some much-needed personal baggage. I have since been shredding all that does not serve me including people, places and things.  It’s like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

And this feeling of joy, is surreal.  In the past it would wear off but this time around it jut keeps growing.

I have learned to love myself again and make sure that I put myself at the centre.  All activities i do must support my whole wellbeing, because lets face it. at the end of the day we all just want freedom and true freedom is total-wellbing.

Since I started all the strategies I have used to get back on track i haven’t once felt like I did, like the hole was still there…

As I began to come out of the darkness I began to dream vivid dreams of sea life. I am a water person and have always enjoyed surfing as my ‘escape’ or meditation. I also started to notice a lot of butterflies around the place, and even inside the house.

It’s quite fitting considering the transformation they go through, and I really feel the like I have been through.

I see the world with so much more colour now and its unreal! I have accepted my purpose in life and feel I have learned the keys to life, now its just a matter of practicing them daily so that I am more conscious more often.

I have achieved some really huge milestones from my vision board and one of them is the start of my own personal business as a mindset Trainer.  It really warms me up to speak my truth and know that it helps other women who are ready to step up and shine bright too. I know that by each of us doing so it adds more light and love to the world and we could definitely do with more of that!

Initially I started working under the banner of Soulwater, which began as my alter ego if you followed me in earlier blogs you will know. But it didn’t quite fit with me because Soulwater was always about my journey, through depression. To honour my own journey I have decided that all future retreats I run I will put a portion of the fee towards a charity for depression and suicide. I struggled with the system and slipped through the cracks but also felt like people tried to box me in, and that is the last thing you should be trying to do with someone who suffered from depression.

I am always learning, and growing, and totally loving it!

I wish for every woman, every man out there who has been to that place to not give up. To keep on. Because you are needed in this world.  You might not know what it is that you have to contribute yet, but it will come.

Keep dreaming, keep believing  and surrender to your awesome

Hiria x

P.S. If you want to know how to work with me come find me on facebook.

https://www.facebook.com/soulwaternz/

You can also follow me on instagram https://www.instagram.com/soulwaternz/

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